Saturday, May 26, 2012
:: In A Sour Pickle ::
Lots going on at my place. Lots going on in my brain. Conversations. Challenges. Balancing acts. New routines. Counting blessings, being grateful, making the most of. You know, for a few years now, I've been aiming for a deeper life, a meaningful life, one that does more than skim the surface. Lately, I have felt like I am barely keeping my head above water. Let alone living that life where you take a big breath and dive deep. Where you feel like you may be going against the tide, but that it is worth it. Right now I am not really doing that. But there are lessons to be learnt here. How to handle stress and adapt, for starters. How to still have a great life, even in the midst of some upheaval and change. How to not turn into a grumpy, bitter woman, mad at the world, and pissed off by everything. Because living life feeling shitty is not the life I have in mind. Wishing I'd said something. Wishing I hadn't. Feeling jealous, feeling superior, feeling disappointed, feeling angry and stressed. Feeling like I want to go live in a cave for a while. A warm cave, with a stack of good books, an endless supply of Earl Grey tea with honey, and a big comfy bed where children and husbands come for a cuddle, then leave me in peace (maybe while they do the housework... or is that asking too much?) A place with no obligation or expectations on me. Of course I don't want to be isolated, or away from positive, supportive people in my life. But I also don't like being this tired, short tempered and woe-is-me kind of person. I don't like being that way around my loved ones. The only sourness I want in life is in my pickles. I am trying to pull myself out of it, trying to get into a new routine, but still enjoy the opportunities and blessings I have. I am. But I guess you can't rush these things sometimes.